Recently, I’ve been doing some deep reflecting—or even a bit more like scrutinizing. It started off with realizing my self-sabotage has been on high as of late. I’m sure my posts over the last month might reflect that as well, possibly even further back. But after asking myself the important questions one must ask… “What the F… is going on with me?”; “Why have I let my health go?”; “Why am I letting my dreams fall away?”—things like that. What I’ve come to realize is I have a mild case of depression. I looked up signs of high-functioning depression and out of nine signs, I connected with five and a half of them.
So… with that self-diagnosis and after looking at what happens, results, and then therapy, I get what I need to do, and going to a doctor is not it. The thought of them only wanting to give drugs is not an option. Sadly, I’m on more than enough meds as it is. That is part of my problem. I think my depression stems from my health issues. When you live in discomfort or pain every day, it takes a toll, not only on your physical body but on your mental and spiritual bodies as well. I can understand why there are those that choose to end their lives because it can be too much. I am not one of those because I have too much to live for and way too much left to do. If I could become immortal or close, I would (without all the pain, of course).
Life is a precious gift, and sadly I feel like I’m wasting my gift. So, what am I going to do? First, I’m going to take my friend Norma’s advice and do a brain dump—writing/typing out whatever and everything that comes into my mind. Next, I’m going to set myself up on a schedule and find someone outside of my friends and goals group to keep me on track. Honestly, if I could find a literary agent or assistant, I would LOVE that (they would definitely keep me moving). Also, writing out my plan for where I want to be in one month, one year, and so on. Then, I’m going to get a red light machine. I’ve read that not only is red light therapy good for anti-aging, but it works wonders for mental health. Of course, Amazon has them, so guess what I’m doing after I finish this post. Shopping therapy—not good, but in this case, it is.
I will also be speaking with a coach. I know they are not a psychologist, counselor, or doctor, but it is a start and possibly all I need. When you are aware of what is going on and can admit it to yourself and others, that is the first step in healing. Also, one of the most important steps.
I hope you don’t see this as whining but as a person coming to grips with their issues.
As always, if you have thoughts to share, ideas, or suggestions, I am open to hearing them. Please email or private message me. As for my goals update this week: I missed two days, primarily due to the internal burn that is fueled by drinking water and any food I eat these days. I hope to have this rectified after the scope they are doing on the 13th, and from the samples they received early this week. I’ll not say what samples, except that it wasn’t blood. 🩸
Now on a more cheery note. Today is a beautiful day, and even though I didn’t feel like walking, we did, and I am so grateful we did. Seeing the green of the trees and hearing the birds singing their songs helps to refresh why life is so beautiful and worth being here for. We are all an intricate part of this world, and regardless of what others may think, I feel we are connected. I want to do my part to heal me and help heal others and the world as best I can.
I’ll close for now by sending hugs, love, blessings, and laughter to everyone, including myself this time. Have a blessed week. 🌻