Hello, happy and maybe not-so-happy people. I hope your week has been a great one. My week is ending on a note of questions. My ears might have steam coming from them from spinning with the questions I have presented to myself. As you may know, I am an author/artist, but being self-published and not knowing much about marketing, I have not been very good at promoting my books or art. This means extremely low to no sales. Income is almost scant and, for a woman, inefficient. I don’t want to be a burden on my Sweetheart (the man is a fabulous supporter), but a girl sometimes likes to have extra money and to be able to buy stuff for herself. With that, I’ve been tossing the idea around of going back to work. I would prefer part-time or a few days a week (possibly a work-from-home thing too). An opportunity has recently come up for a full-time position. It would be back to 8 to 5, doing something I swore I would not do again. So, a few questions I’m asking myself:
1 Do I really want to go back to an 8 to 5, tied to a desk?
2 Would I be putting my dreams on hold again?
3 Do I want to make the drive (I dislike driving these days)?
4 Do I want to lose control of my schedule? ie. not be able to visit my sister when I want without getting my timed approved.
5 Will I have the stamina to actually do the work? (I haven’t worked outside of the house since COVID.)
6 Can I do this and take the classes I was planning on taking, as well as do what I am meant to do (write and create art)?
7 Biggest question ~ Is this just another opportunity to procrastinate on my writing/art?
Wait, there’s more…
My friends, especially those close to me, know that I am a helper. If someone needs help and they ask me, I will 9 times out of 10 say yes. My first name is Helper, not Dorey. Anyhow, in our Toastmasters District, they are still missing two area directors. I’ve done it before, twice actually, and could do it again with my eyes closed. But because of certain things happening in the District right now, quite a few, including me, do not want to take leadership roles. We are burnt out on helping. The District has become the Titanic. Yet, my helper side speaks up, “I can help, I’ll take the role and maybe we can pull this up before it crashes.” So I volunteered to be an area director, but I still had to check on a few things before I sign the agreement. Yes, I know I should be more positive but this is clear even to a blind person that this ship is sinking. If it doesn’t I will be Pleasantly surprised and will officially take a leadership role next year.
Again, I was asking myself questions like…
1 Do I want to be listed amongst those that are heading up the District when the ship sinks?
2 Do I want to be the one doing 80% of the work (that’s what happened last time)? Not completely their fault—I’m one of those that, when I want something done, I usually do it myself instead of delegating.
3 Will this cut into getting my dreams done?
4 Am I overloading myself?
5 Am I doing this because I need/want to feel useful and hate not being able to help?
6 Biggest question ~ Is this just another opportunity to procrastinate on my writing/art?
With all these questions I had to do deeper search in my reasoning and AGAIN has brought up a few things that I don’t like admitting. There are times when I feel inadequate and deal with imposter syndrome (as I’ve mentioned in other post). Even though I have published two books and I know I’m an okay artist (it takes time to be great), I’ve allowed myself to be bogged down in my own doubts and fears. My at-home work areas have become extremely cluttered, making me not want to work there, just like my head. I recently saw a meme that fits so perfectly. It showed two trains that had crashed on the tracks at the point where their separate tracks converged into one track. The train track switch was apparently busted or someone didn’t hit the very important switch button, and so both sets of tracks led to the same spot. Which is where the trains collided. The caption over one train read, “my desire to move forward and keep writing,” and the other train caption read, “my urge to go back and edit what I wrote yesterday,” and the caption at the spot of the one track they were both trying to go on read, “the book I’m trying to finish writing.” This is my mind, except add in two more trains, probably more like four. I want to laugh (and I often do), but I really need to stop, think, and reflect. Which is what I have been seriously doing since last night after texting with a friend, and this morning after talking with my Sweetheart.
I guess the answers to each individual question aren’t as important as the last question in each section. It all boils down to this—I need to clean up my areas, MY head, and work through some emotions. Yes, those would be just opportunities I find to procrastinate in cleaning up the train wreck in my head. Have I come to a final decision on either opportunity? Yes on one, but not completely on the other. I do want to bring in more money, of course (I want a new computer and car, so duh). But am I willing to forgo my dreams for that—would you? I did say no to the area director spot, yet to keep my helper side happy said that I would help with a few things if I have enough notice.
I do have to add my friend got a wee bit upset with me. My response—I feel grateful to have someone care enough to speak the truth and get mad at me. That is a rare thing these days. We all try to be people pleasers or to not say what we are feeling/thinking because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feeling. So when someone speaks the truth and it bothers you or even hurts, listen to what they have to say, reflect, and you may just think a little clearer, dig a little deeper, reflect a little longer and possibly come up with a better answer or at least the true reason for sticking to your original decision.
I’m still working on and coming up with a plan for organizing and cleaning up my areas and my head. Maybe when I get one done, it will clear the other.
Anyway, to update on my goals—I have kept all my goals this week, including my art challenge. Oh, and on a great surprise note… the bookshop I have my books for sale in has their website up, and last night I was looking on it and guess what… My books are listed. It was a good feeling seeing them on a stores website. Seeing this also helped with my decision regarding the above questions too.
I’ll close for now with an apology for such a long blog post and wishes for each of you to have a wonderful week filled with hugs, love, laughter, and blessings.🥰
P.S. check out my instagram and The Spine Bookshop’s website or store.🌻
Instagram: CreativelyUnlimited
The Spine Bookshop.com (for some reason the system won’t add the link properly) Check them out they are located at: 304 S. Lowry Street, Site A3, Smyrna, TN.
We are Creatively Unlimited! 
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